The Nights of Stormcage
by KingdomHeartsNerd
Summary: We all know River Song often escapes her cell, but just what do the guards go through when she returns?
1. Aliens

**The Nights of Stormcage**

**By KingdomHeartsNerd**

**Summary: **_We all know River Song often escapes her cell, but just what do the guards go through when she returns?_

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**I: Aliens**

The first time, it just seemed odd.

"Doctor Song?" He inquired, peering into her cell. "Just... what are you doing?"

There were eight thousand of them in her cell. Eight thousand tiny, little, green aliens all chanting "The Claaaawwwwww!"; From somewhere within one of the boxes - he was sure it was the one furthest back - Doctor Song's hair could just be seen.

"I'm looking for a hammer!"

She emerged, dressed in the prisoners uniform of the Stormcage; a large, green, toy hammer was hung over her shoulder. She raised it, and brought it smashing down onto the head of one of the green aliens; well, almost. The hammer stopped and a very malicious look crossed her face.

She began scooping the aliens up, and threw them into the boxes; she reached into her pocket and pulled out a stamp; sellotaping the boxes shut, she slammed the stamp down onto the top of them.

She turned to him, a smile on her face; "Deliver these, would you?"

In days to come, he would never understand why River Song was so odd, nor why, three days after the boxes had been mailed, a letter turned up. He would never understand her, he reasoned, when she took one look at the letter - which had a picture attached - and howled with laughter, rocking on the bed.

"Oh!" She cried, wiping her eyes. "I have to show this to Mum! She'll love it." She picked up her diary and scanned through it. "When's the next time that I am due to escape? Let's see: April 7th? No... That was Napoleon; June 24th? No... that was when I slept with Edward VI; July 5th? Hmm... July 5th is clear."

And... true to her word, on July 5th, she was gone for the whole day and returned that night with a tray of cookies.

He would never understand Doctor Song. Never.

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_To Be Continued_

_Review Please_


	2. Hell in High Heels

**The Nights of Stormcage**

**By KingdomHeartsNerd**

**Summary: **_We all know River Song often escapes her cell, but just what do the guards go through when she returns?_

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**II: Hell in High Heels.**

The second time he was on duty, he witnessed her return; she walked gently along the hall, dressed in a long pink dress of which she was holding up one side with her hand. Underneath the dress, he noticed, was a pair of pink heeled shoes.

She was humming to herself and was in a world of her own.

"What are you singing?" He inquired, as he opened the cage.

She turned to him, gently singing. "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam. Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem. But if I know you I know what you'll do. You'll love me at once the way you did once Upon a dream."

"It's a... nice song?"

"Yes," She agreed. "I'll take my shower in half-an-hour. It'll give me time to change. Honestly, I loved the romantic gesture, but the high heels are hell!"

"As are you." He noted.

"True!" She laughed. "I guess this makes me 'hell in high heels'!" And, with that, she collapsed onto the bed, laughing to herself about a silent joke.

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_To Be Continued_

_Review Please_


	3. Only Water In The Forest Is The River

**The Nights of Stormcage**

**By KingdomHeartsNerd**

**Summary: **_We all know River Song often escapes her cell, but just what do the guards go through when she returns?_

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**III: The Only Water In The Forest Is The River.**

The third time she returned he had mail for her... or, he assumed it was.

"My mail's here?" She asked, holding out a hand through the bar.

"I... I think so." He replied. "Why do you get the mail of 'Miss Pond', 'Mrs Smith' and 'Mrs Theta Sigma"?

"Because I have more than one name." She replied as if it was obvious. "The first is my maiden name, and the second and third are two different versions of my married name."

"You're surname is 'Song' not 'Pond'."

She chuckled, and plucked the letters from his hand.

"If you must know," She began, opening a letter. "The only water in the forest is the River; that's where my name comes from. You're a smart man. Work that out."

Unbeknownst to her, he never did work out what she meant.

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_To Be Continued_

_Review Please_


	4. Likes and Hates

**The Nights of Stormcage**

**By KingdomHeartsNerd**

**Summary: **_We all know River Song often escapes her cell, but just what do the guards go through when she returns?_

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**IV: Likes and Hates**

River hated many things: cheese from Antriocha for example. However, there were some things she liked: Raspberry Ripple ice-cream for example, so, when she received five thousand gallons of Raspberry Ripple ice-cream from her husband as an anniversary present, she was in heaven... until, she opened the boxes.

He done something entirely different than what she had expected. He had brought the Raspberrys to life and the Raspberry Ripple ice-creams were doing the can-can. Pausing for a moment to use a few of her mother's choiciest swear-words, she rummaged under her bed and finally found the thing she was looking for. The giant hammer she had tried to use to squash the green aliens several months ago.

With one almighty grunt she brought it swinging down; it smashed down hard onto the Raspberry Ripple ice-creams which squashed underneath it. Juice sparyed in all directions - soaking both River and the guard.

"I hate him!"

"No, you don't!" Came the voice of the Doctor from the card that he'd provided. River picked it up, and threw it out of the bars at the back of her cell; it flapped in the wind squeaking "No, you don't! No, you don't!"

"Now, when do I see him next? I'll shoot his hat off. Perhaps - Ooh! It's Easter Island. Great, I get to shoot a top hat!"

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_To Be Continued_

_Review Please_


	5. Nom de plume

**The Nights of Stormcage**

**By KingdomHeartsNerd**

**Summary: **_We all know River Song often escapes her cell, but just what do the guards go through when she returns?_

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**V: Nom de plume.**

They never truly understood where she went when she left, but her name kept cropping up in books and history. Easter Island, then a note of how she'd escaped from her execution in 1540 on a flying motorbike, then a note of her blowing up HMS Barham in World War II followed by a note of her escaping by a bouncy hopper; then a note of her appearing in Egypt and threatening Cleopatra with a gun. There were many others too, but one thing always cropped up to.

One.

One name.

A name that shouldn't exist.

"The Doctor," said the guard, reading the passage to her as he stood in front of her cell, "and his floofy haired companion slash lover slash concubine slash physcopathic madwoman, River Song, was seen-"

"'_floofy haired'_?!" she exclaimed, "The planet of trees described me as '_floofy haired'_?"

"I think the more important question, Miss Song," began the guard, "Is why the name '_Doctor'_ keeps appearing; he's the man you killed, isn't he?"

"Indeed," she replied, reclining on her bed, "And he knows that he is the man I killed; I _am _here for a _reason_. I don't sit in this jail cell all day because I _want_ to now, do I?"

"That-"

His words were cut off as a new noise filled the area. It sounded a bit like the crash of waves at first, but soon became louder and more discordant, until it sounded like a couple of elephants competitively clearing their trunks. A pure white light began flashing three metres in the air and slowly, a blue box filled in underneath it. After a few seconds, rows of square panels became visible. By the time the strange sound had died away and the writing on one of the wood panels and over the doors became legible, the Tardis had arrived.

The door swung open and a voice called: "River, get your coat! We're off to Atlantis!"

"Which Alantis?" she called back, pulling a coat out from under the bed, "The wet one or the un-wet one?"

"The wet one, dear," called the voice, "On second thoughts, leave the coat! We'll get scuba gear instead - and no changing in front of me! You know what that does!"

"I do indeed," she replied, reaching out and sliding open the cell door. She winked to the guard, before pushing him into the cell and sliding the door shut.

"Let me out!" he ordered, shaking the cell and trying to open it, "Let me out right now, Miss Song!"

"No can do," she replied.

"River, hurry up or we'll be late!"

"Coming, Sweetie!"

With that, she stepped inside the Tardis and closed the door. The light flashed again and the noise roared, before the box disappeared.

And, when she returned that evening, washed and clean and smelling of chlorine, with her hair tumbling down her back in a long ginger wave, she didn't explain the reasoning for the names of "dear" and "Sweetie". Nor did she explain the blue box that came and went every night.

In fact, she never would.

When asked it's name - and the name of the man inside - she would say, "His name? Or should that be nom de plume? Well... Spoilers!"

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_To Be Continued_

_Review Please_

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**A/N:-**_ Oh, my god, I am so sorry for being gone for so long: real life and work got in the way. But, I am back now... and so is River. Hope you liked the appearance of 11 in this too. I hope it worked._


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